Relationships can be some of the most meaningful parts of life. If we pause to think about our best memories so far, there’s a good chance someone else played a part in making them so special. And when life gets really tough, many times it’s someone else’s support that gets us through and reminds us we’re not alone.
The people we choose to share our life with have an enormous impact on us. Yet, while some relationships truly enrich our lives, it’s not a guarantee that everyone we come across will make a positive impact. To some degree, maybe that’s okay. (Quality over quantity!) We might form a relationship with someone and eventually realize that it’s lacking in some important qualities such as respect, honesty, or healthy boundaries. Maybe they contradict our values or sense of self worth, or we just feel really uncomfortable when we’re with them. These are important observations to pay attention to, no matter what point you’re at in the relationship!
It can be really hard to identify relational problems up front because they can be subtle or unfold over time. When we first meet someone, it’s unlikely they will give us a heads up by saying, “watch out, I’m not the most trustworthy person.” (Wouldn’t that be nice?) I like to think that most people are trying their best with the tools they have, but that doesn’t mean we have to go along with an unhealthy dynamic at our own expense. Every situation is different. While more minor relationship issues have the potential to be worked out in conversation, other more serious concerns warrant some firm boundary setting.
*Tip: Give yourself the permission to be selective when it comes to choosing who to be close to. Self-respect means surrounding oneself with those who treat us well. Same goes for romantic relationships, by the way!
So what are some things to look out for when forming new relationships? With a little help from some scholarly articles (see reference list below), here are some “red flags” to consider:
Relationship Red Flags:
- Controlling: They always seem to have thoughts on what you should do, wear, like, who to be friends with, and the list goes on, without accepting or appreciating the differences between you. Or even more subtly, maybe they try to tell you the right and wrong ways to think or feel about things, rather than letting you be the judge and make up your own mind.
- Constant Criticism: They put you down, oftentimes in the form of “jokes” that criticize your character, choices, looks, or anything else. After a while, maybe it feels like you can’t relax and be yourself around them.
- Disrespect for Boundaries: They pressure you to do things you’re not comfortable with. They don’t respect your privacy or they don’t listen to your “no.” (MAJOR red flag!) They expect access to your personal space, time, or secrets, when, in reality, you don’t have to share everything with someone just because you’re connected.
- Dishonesty: They lie about things ranging from small, seemingly insignificant stuff to much bigger issues. You’re not sure that what they say is always true. Perhaps you’ve noticed a pattern of lying that gets them things they want or helps them avoid unwanted consequences.
- Constant Conflict: Drama, arguments, and disagreements seem to happen all the time, even though they may contradict that behavior by saying lots of affirming things like “you’re my best friend” or “I love you so much.” The mismatch between actions and words is confusing and a cycle that drains your emotional energy, sometimes without you even realizing it.
- Maturity Gap/Power Imbalance: Friendly or romantic interest from someone where there’s an imbalance of power, often accompanied by an age gap, is a red flag. This might include someone with authority (such as a teacher, youth pastor, or guidance counselor), or it could simply be someone with a different maturity level (such as someone college-aged pursuing someone in high school). In all of these cases, being younger and less experienced makes someone vulnerable to the manipulation of someone older. This is a key warning sign of grooming behavior (manipulative tactics that an abuser uses to gain access to a potential victim, coerce them to agree to the abuse, and reduce the risk of being caught.) See this article to learn more about grooming.
- Early Intensity/Pressure to Commit: The relationship forms and gets intense very quickly. The other person showers you with bold declarations of love or intimacy (called “love-bombing”) before trust has had a chance to be established over a period of time. Perhaps they demand your full commitment to the relationship, which feels a little (or a lot) controlling and unnecessary.
- Inconsistent: They act one way when you’re together but their behavior or energy changes when others are around. Maybe they’re nice to you when you’re alone but they act distant or critical when their friends are watching. Or maybe it’s the reverse, where they’re kind in public and harsh in private.
- Isolation & Secrecy: They only agree to spend time with you alone, or perhaps they speak negatively about your friends or family. They subtly work to distance you from other sources of social support and try to get you to rely solely on them. Maybe you’re expected to keep your relationship completely secret from others = major red flag!
- Jealousy: They cannot tolerate you having other friendships (or perhaps even your own hobbies/interests). They’re always keeping tabs on what you’re doing or who you’re with. Maybe they often accuse you of flirting with someone or completely abandoning them.
- Insecurity: They overly depend on you for validation, help with decision-making, or attention. They always gravitate to your support instead of showing an ability to do some things independently.
- Risk-Taking Behavior: They engage in activities that demand some form of risk, whether physically dangerous, illegal, or unethical. Maybe you stay out of these activities, but it takes constant energy to hold your ground and maintain your conviction.
- Emotionally Manipulative: They threaten some sort of consequence (such as embarrassing you in front of others or loss of the relationship) if you don’t do something they want. They might even involve their own mental well-being as a method of control, such as: “I’m going to go to an emotionally dark place if you don’t do this.”
- Spiritually Manipulative: They use the “God card” or religious language to control you or your behavior, such as, “God wants you to do this” or “God told me we are meant to be together forever.” It might feel hard to argue with someone claiming the authority of their higher power, which is why it’s an effective method of control.
- No Permission to Leave: They cannot tolerate you asserting a boundary with them, whether you decide to take some space from one another, or end the relationship altogether. Perhaps they threaten you with a consequence if you try to leave.
If you have any concerns about a relationship you have and you’re not sure what to do, consider discussing it with an adult you trust. Interested in talking to one of our therapists at MCT? Reach out to us at [email protected] or call our office at 909-336-3330 to get started! For emergencies, call 911.
References:
https://www.rainn.org/news/grooming-know-warning-signs
https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC3706999
https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0145213422005324